Again

Life. Life is all about the choices you make. Or so we are told .

 Every action has a consequence.

You reap what you sow . 

… And all of these worn out claims We hear constantly echoing in our ears every time we fail. Every time we are left behind. Every time we , yet again, can’t seem to reach anything. 

We just didn’t make the cut.

Life is what you make of it. But if that is so , then wouldn’t the actions of those before us predetermine, or to some extent at least highly, if not even deeply affect our own beginnings and thus, possible choices we make and outcomes? Are our lives the consequences of those before us? And who is truly to blame. If there is blame to begin with. 

Then what is really , left up to us to decide. How much have we got ? How much is expected. And why. 

Why once again, are we fighting to push out these voices in our heads , these fingers pointed us from a higher stance “you brought this on yourself” ” you only have yourself to blame”  

–  what did we really expect ? When life owes you nothing , how much are you willing to convince yourself you owe yourself? 

She sat there scrolling through  the pages. watching , more like looking , at all of the pictures of her friends . How they’ve grown . How they are doing, what they are doing, but most importantly everyone they are surrounded by . This was nothing new. She has been here before . And certainly was no shock that she knew most of the people in those pictures.  After all , one time ; at the beginning of it all, she was their friend too. 

The story always starts the same. And ends the same too. 

So here you go; surprise , surprise. She has managed , once again to push every one far away from her. She is left with the , all so familiar , bitter sweet taste. That , unlike her, never fails to disappoint. Specifically when  all it did was supply her demand. 

People no longer included her or even expected her to want to be included. Rightfully so , after all that was exactly what she was aiming for. What she’s always aimed for in every relationship she’s ever had. Always leave before they do. Never be available on all levels. Make sure they know you never really want to be a part of them, especially when you most need it. Because, well… you really shouldn’t. 

(You only have yourself to blame) – She often thought to herself . Putting herself in their shoes she wouldn’t want to be around herself as well. 

It may sound stupid, absurd and utterly uncalled for. Her behavior , that is. But it is the only one she can master. The only one that truly resonates with her. The one she truly, truly detests but excels at. 

The truth of the matter is she has mastered the art of failing before she had actually failed. The art of being in that dark lonely pit when she wasn’t put there yet. It is just easier to predict, foresee and, act accordingly before it catches up on her unexpectedly. If failure was the inevitable outcome of life then it would do her best to decide when and how. Because then at least , she’s succeeded in failing. 

Perhaps, like everything else in life , Success is relative too. And as long as you can reiterate to yourself that you “did it!” you can slowly push the other voices out ; the ones screaming at you that you only have yourself to blame. After all, You would end up with nothing to blame yourself for when, you have truly , and sadly succeeded in what you have set your mind onto. I did it . Not them. 

Pathetic, but necessary, and its necessity births its legitimacy. she made herself believe. After all , life is what you make of it. 

Or so we are told. 

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